So, as you know, 2009 was not a great year for me. Sure there were some great things that happened (weddings, babies, new relationships...etc.) but for the most part, it sucked. Looking back and reflecting, I have determined that other than the events that I had no control over (family stuff and work crap) I entered, created and scored myself throughout the year on one criteria. The word for that criteria was "Expectations". I went into 2009 with expectations and when I didn't meet those expectations, for whatever reasons, it felt like a personal failure. I was the judge, jury and executioner of those expectations. And this isn't one of those times when you can sit back and say "you are being too hard on yourself". No, this isn't one of those times. I wanted 2009 to be such a great year that I think the fates revolted against me just to make a point.
This year, sadly, there is also a criteria that I am entering the year with. The word for this years criteria is "Fear".
As this will be my 40th year, I find myself feeling much like I did when I was entering my 20s. Sure I fear getting older, feeling older etc., but most of all, it is the fear and uncertainty of what is to come. I fear not being "here". I fear missing something. Is the path I have chosen the right one? Where am I going in life? What is the purpose of my life? Am I making the right decisions? Why am I doing all this? Am I living a true life? All these questions swirl around in my head and I don't like the fact that I don't have the answers. In fact I "fear" I will never have the answers. And when I say "fear" I don't mean "I realize" I mean "I am afraid". How do people stumble through life without the answers? Up until this age (time in my life), I think that I have just been distracted. Things have kept my focus on the shiny sparkly things in life. Now that I can see those things for what they really are, I find myself looking around for the next big thing. And you know what, I fear there is nothing. I am hoping this is what they call a midlife crisis. Although I only feel 30, and probably only act 20, there is no denying time.
Lily Allen (UK artist) sums it up very well: "I don`t know what`s right and what`s real anymore, I don`t know how I`m meant to feel anymore, when will it all become clear, `cuz I`m being taken over by the fear"
So I enter 2010 not knowing what is to come. For the first time in 20 years, I am entering a phase in my life where I have no preconceived direction. I am taking that first step in the dark.